Expectations & Standards - Whats the Difference?

The difference between Expectations and Standards is a topic that is often spoken about in Counselling, and in particular Couples Counselling. Expectations are not the same as standards and so it feels important to distinguish between the two & how this can support having healthy communication and relationships.

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Standards are healthy and something that we are always adjusting especially when we start to put healthy boundaries in place.

Whereas Expectations create issues and conflict in relationships.

Lets explore this in more detail...

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STANDARDS

A standard is something we will not compromise on for anyone or any situation because we have come to the realisation that dropping below that standard is harming and abusive. And this is why standards change over time because what we accepted 1 year ago that we were fine with, we may now view as harming and self-abuse if we continue to allow it in our lives. It is something we personally choose for ourself and we shouldn’t be imposing it on others. Its solid in our body and everyday livingness and it becomes part of our 101 Healthy Living Toolkit.

EXPECTATIONS

Whereas an Expectation is something we impose on another and we have all experienced how awful this feels when someone projects this towards us. Unfortunately, a lot of relationships are full of expectations and many are unsaid, but implied. The thing is when we have an expectation on another what we are saying is that they need to be a certain way based on what ‘I’ want and on ‘MY’ terms. And when we do this there is no understanding or curiosity as to why the other person may be behaving or choosing to be a certain way. And so what follows are the reactions when they do not meet those expectations and they are made out to be ‘wrong’. Or said in a different way...

Having expectations is a setup to be disappointed because our subjective ideals, beliefs or assumptions of how things should be or how someone should behave (learnt behaviour) are not met.

It is not a pleasant energy to be at the receiving end of as its loaded with judgment and brings in conflict in a relationship or friendship.

Expectations are communicating that I am right and you are wrong and so much energy and insistence goes into proving it so – it is a force that is pretty ugly to be on the receiving end of, but also for the person who has the expectations, as they cannot settle or accept a situation until they get resolution or are confirmed that they are ‘right’. And so they stay in a dysregulated and emotional state that can be anywhere from low-grade anxiety silently impacting our day-to-day, to being violently explosive when we react with extreme emotion because our imposing expectations on another have not been met!

Expectations are very much learnt in our family environments growing up which is why they vary from one person to the next. If you are wanting a healthy relationship with friends, a partner and family, you need to take responsibility to look at where your expectations may be imposing on others, and question what this may be doing to your relationships and yourself.

NAVIGATING EXPECTATIONS IN RELATIONSHIPS

So how may you navigate this in your relationships you may be asking?

Asking for something through invitation is very different to demanding and thus expecting someone to be a certain way. It offers others choice and invites them in to be part of the conversation and the growth that goes with this. It also educates the other person without making them wrong. This is a much more respectful and decent way to communicate that makes relationships about the ‘WE’ rather than the ‘ME’. Its not about staying quiet or withdrawing, its about communicating and expressing respectfully and is a great way to learn and understand others whilst honouring your truth.

A very simple example to illustrate the difference between a standard and an expectation and how it is communicated is below:

Let’s say I am on a 1st date, and I find out on the date that the guy is a smoker. And a very clear standard that I have is that I will not date or be with someone that smokes. If I were to communicate this from the perspective of having expectations I would say something like:

“If you want to date me you have to give up smoking”.

With this kind of statement you can feel the imposition and demand in this sentence and the judgment that’s underneath it. Whereas if it was expressed from a claimed non-imposing standard you could express something like this:

“Oh I see that you are a smoker. You are a really nice guy and I am interested in getting to know you, but just letting you know that I can’t be with someone who smokes. It’s a standard I won’t compromise on” 

With this statement there is no imposition on the other person by telling them what to do, just an honest communication and not making them wrong in any way yet getting the clear message across that this is a standard that will not be compromised.

Expectations are always about what you want the ‘other person’ to do, whereas a standard is only ever about ‘ourselves’.

And as an aside with the example above, If the guy really likes you and has been wanting to quit smoking then he will be more inspired to quit because there is no judgment. When we claim our own standards we inspire others to claim and step up their standards. This is how we inspire and grow as a community because what we role model by the way that we live, impacts others in more ways than we realise.

Having clear standards empowers you to

set boundaries and live your truth

Others know where you stand and when you claim them with authority, they are rarely challenged or questioned by others as they can feel the solidness within you. That does not mean they will necessarily like it, but it is a clear and honest communication of what you will and will not accept in a relationship.

If you are responding to someone with what you know they want to hear, but is not your truth, you are setting yourself up for relationship conflict down the track, because when actions don’t match words or resentment builds because you chose compromise, it gets messy. These ‘messy’ situations are what I then hear in my Counselling room.

Don’t let ideals and beliefs run your life and your relationships,

instead follow your heart and live your truth.

Sometimes we have to not tolerate or compromise and let people be disappointed, because living our truth and being true to ourselves is no longer an option but an absoluteness and a standard. And this choice comes not from a selfishness as some would like to criticize, but from the knowing that to do so is truly loving all concerned.

What you tolerate directly influences how you will be treated by others because you are enabling it. What you excuse or allow to continue in a relationship is how others treat you and then becomes the everyday pattern that you subscribed to. It’s not about being harsh, it’s about being clear with your boundaries and standards and not apologising for them.

When you tolerate less, everything changes around you, not because you asked, but because you decided to change your standards.

If this article resonates with you and you want to have a chat about how you can have more fulfilling and accelerating relationships with your partner, friends and family get in touch at ‘All Things Health & Wellbeing’.

Counselling is not only for when things are not going well, it is a valuable space to explore personal growth to enrich your life. We do not need another for change to happen as when we make the inner change, everything around us also changes.